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Losing interest in sex may not be as common an occurrence for men as it is for women. When men lose interest in sex, it scares them more than women. It affects between 15 per cent and 16 per cent of men and the statistics double or sometimes increase three times in women.
The loss of libido bothers men more and makes them unhappy about the rest of their lives than it does women. Only 23 per cent of men that suffer the loss of libido say they still feel very happy about life in general. Their masculinity is so linked to their sexuality that it appears very threatening.
Men do not like to talk about loss of libido nor do their wives. However, inhibited sexual desire stresses a marriage more than any other sexual dysfunction. It can be embarrassing to talk about one’s sex life and get back to being intimate with one’s spouse. But the loss of libido is not something that men have to live with. There is so much one can do to regain a good sex drive and have a happy outlook of life. In fact, sex therapists can identify the source of the problem and recommend solutions.
Some men are not even aware that they suffer loss of libido until we get talking in my office or on the phone. How do you know if you are afflicted with loss of libido?
Libidinal loss does not usually happen suddenly. It is not like catching a cold. Although it is difficult to define precisely, the loss of libido is a lack of interest in sex for several months.
The frequency of sexual activity is not the best yardstick to determine an individual’s interest in sex because many factors can get in the way of an encounter, even if the desire is there. However, if you are married and having sex less often than is the norm (about at least once a week), you might ask yourself whether you are happy with things as they are.
If you are not happy about your loss of libido, researchers agree that it is best to tackle these issues before they become deep-rooted. To help identify the early warning signs, see whether you answer the following questions true or false:
I. Touching takes place only in the bedroom [many African tradition-oriented couples find this difficult to answer, but touching should be done anywhere anytime
II. Sex does not give you a feeling of connection and sharing
III. One of you is always the initiator and the other feels pressured.
IV. You no longer look forward to sex
V. Sex is mechanical and routine
VI. You almost never have sexual thoughts or fantasies about your spouse
VII. You have sex once or twice a month at most
If you answered true to most of these questions, you may be on your way to losing sexual desire. Understanding the various causes is the first step to finding the appropriate resolution. So, today, we shall be looking at a systematic programme to rekindle sexual desire in low-sex and no-sex marriage relationship.
The brain is an often-overlooked erogenous zone: Sexual excitement starts in your head and works its way down. Sadness, hopelessness and dejection can dampen desire and can lead to erectile dysfunction.
Many husbands confided in me that most times they consider having a few drinks to get in the mood. This may not be a bad idea at all, but I have problem with this class of husband for two reasons.
First, I want to ask what brand of alcohol and what quantity are you consuming? If you are not taking healthy alcohol, for example, red wine, which is good for the heart, your body and sexual activities may be in danger of overloading synthetic brews.
Second, addiction to any kind of drink could make it harder for a man to finish the sexual act. Too much of everything is bad and alcohol does not help to increase erection or improve stamina in the long run. Instead, it gives an euphoric feeling that initially and later, gradually destroys sexual performance. Heavy alcohol use can interfere with erection, but the negative effects are usually not seen immediately. The good news is that moderate drinking of real red wine (one or two-cup drinks a day) might have health benefits like reducing heart disease risks.
The contents of your medicine cabinet could affect your performance in the bedroom. A long list of common drugs can cause ED, including certain blood pressure drugs, pain medications, and antidepressants. Street drugs like amphetamines, cocaine, and marijuana can cause sexual problems in men.
It is not easy to get in the mood when you are overwhelmed by responsibilities in the work place and at home. Stress can take its toll on different parts of a man’s body, including the main sex organ. Deal with stress by making lifestyle changes that promote well-being and relaxation, such as exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, and seeking professional help when appropriate.
You have to reduce stress, which is common to everyone. Our bodies are designed to feel stress and react to it. It keeps us alert and ready to avoid danger. However, it is not always possible to avoid or change events that may cause stress and it is easy to feel trapped and unable to cope. When stress persists, the body begins to break down and illnesses can occur. The key to coping with stress is to identify stressful things in your life and learn ways to direct and reduce stress.
Learning an effective means of relaxation and using it regularly is a good first step. Allow yourself some ‘quiet time,’ even if it is just a few minutes. Examine and modify your thinking, particularly unrealistic expectations. Talking problems out with a friend or family member can help put things in proper perspective. Seeking professional assistance can help you gain a new perspective on how to manage some of the more difficult forms of stress.
Other approaches to reducing stress include;- Keep a positive attitude. Believe in yourself. Accept that there are events you cannot control. Be assertive instead of aggressive. ‘Assert’ your feelings, opinions, or beliefs instead of becoming angry, combative, or passive. Learn to relax. Exercise regularly.
Your body can fight stress better when it is fit. Eat well-balanced meals. Stop smoking. Limit or avoid use of alcohol and caffeine. Set realistic goals and expectations. Get enough rest and sleep. Your body needs time to recover from stressful events. Don’t rely on alcohol or drugs to reduce stress. Learn to use stress management techniques and coping mechanisms, such as deep breathing or guided imagery. Anger can make the blood rush to your face, but not to the one place, you need it when you want to have sex. It is not easy to feel romantic when you are raging, whether your anger is directed at your wife or not.
Unexpressed anger or improperly expressed anger can contribute to performance problems in the bedroom. Worrying that you will not be able to perform in bed can make it harder for you to do just that. Anxiety from other parts of your life can also spill over into the bedroom. All that worry can make you fear and avoid intimacy, which can spiral into a vicious cycle that puts a big strain on your sex life and relationship.
Carrying extra pounds can influence your sexual performance, and not just by lowering your self-esteem. Obese men produce less of the male hormone testosterone, which is important for sexual desire and producing an erection. Being overweight is also linked to high blood pressure and hardening of the arteries, which can reduce blood flow to the sex organ. This invariably leads to low self-image. When you do not like what you see in the mirror, it’s easy to assume your partner isn’t going to like the view, either. A negative self-image can make you worry not only about how you look, but also how well you’re going to perform in bed. That performance anxiety can make you too anxious to even attempt sex
Low libido is another thing that can deflate a man’s erection. It is not the same as erectile dysfunction, but a lot of the same factors that stifle an erection can also dampen your interest in sex. Low self-esteem, stress, anxiety, and certain medications can all reduce your sex drive. When all those worries are tied up with making love, your interest in sex can take a nosedive.
Many different health conditions can affect the nerves, muscles, or blood flow that is needed to have an erection. Diabetes, high blood pressure, hardening of the arteries, spinal cord injuries, and multiple sclerosis can all contribute to ED. Surgery to treat prostate, haemorrhoid and bladder problems can also affect the nerves and blood vessels that control an erection.
First move
Whenever we make love, my wife seems to enjoy it as much as I do. However, she hardly makes the first move. I told her that I would like her to do so, occasionally and she accepted. Still, she did not change. Why is she like this and how can I make her do what I want?
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Mr. A, Lagos
This type of complaint is common among married couples. The average Nigerian male thinks about sex several times in a day. Such frequent sexual thoughts may eventually compel him to have sex with his wife. This is how God made men. Whether it is a sport car or practical automobile, the vehicle for your sex life is typically in the drive mode. Your wife, on the other hand, is not ‘sexually wired’ the same way. Most women are in the neutral mode. They are not opposed to sex; they just need to be properly stimulated to get them moving.
Once you initiate sex and she is receptive, both of you will move forward. Frequently, about 10 minutes into foreplay, a woman begins to be aroused, enjoy herself, and becomes aware of her desire for sex. Therefore, she is being honest when she expresses her enjoyment and desire to please by saying that she would like to initiate sex. Then, she will probably not even think about sex for a long while. She does not think about it until you initiate or bring up the subject. While she might agree that she ‘should’ initiate sex or is willing to do so occasionally, it is difficult to get her in the mood when she is not thinking sexual thoughts.
Make sure you are not missing her promptings. Many couples do not agree as to how to initiate lovemaking or what actually constitutes an initiation, so they miss each other’s signals. Women typically initiate sex in more subtle forms. Your wife’s initiation might be as subtle as taking a shower after work. Make sure you talk about how she prefers to let you know she is in the mood.
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